HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

I always....always have enjoyed listening to jokes and cracking them. Neways, below are some exceptionally witty jokes that I enjoy..have a read and hope it brings laughter to you as it has to me.......

Breast Biting
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"

Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breastsjust once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.

"So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?""Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

Last Longer
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he came up with a plan.On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

Situation Beyond Control
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

How Women Get To Heaven
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless."Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

2 every1 his/her own.........................

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Sooo RelAAxxxing

FINALLY!! got me some time to start blogging again......

The past month has been hell of a hectic time for me......grinding my arse on my new project and with CNY. Seriously in need of some relaxation.........golfing with my buddies, hanging out, going on a vacation.......the list is endless. The troubling thing at the moment is me knowing the fact that I won't have the luxury of time to indulge in what I consider "ideal" relaxation because of the workload that I have now. The only thing left for me to do in my quest for relaxation is to spend time everyday after work to look at my beloved aquarium.....sometimes I imagine that I am one of the fishes.....swimming here and there without a care...aahhhh eternal bliss.

Let me clarify the actual reason for my setting up the aquarium.......I have always loved fish, in fact I love anything to do with fish.....eating them, rearing them, fishing them, admiring them, etc. This particular aquarium that I have in my house right now is set up for the sole purpose of rearing underwater plants....Yes, you read it correctly....P.L.A.N.T.S.....meaning ferns, moss, long stalked plants, etc. The picture you see in this post is of my old and long gone aqaurium....I have since upgraded it to a one piece showcase type instead of the four piece conventional aquarium ( no pics of it yet ).

The cost incurred for my hobby as of todate is as such:

FIXED

1) 1 unit 3" single piece showcase aquarium = RM 1,300 of damage

2) 1 unit Tetra external filteration system = RM 650 of damage

3) 1 set of C02 ( Carbon Dioxide ) system = RM 600 of damage

4) Amazon sand ( under layer ) = RM 300 of damage

5) River sand ( top layer ) = RM 150 of damage

6) Rock and driftwood = RM 200 of damage

7) Four tubes of Arcadia lights = RM 280

Total damage incurred ( fixed ) = RM 3,480

VARIABLES

1) Plants = RM 500 approx

2) Fishes = RM 100 approx

Total damage incurred ( variable and running ) = RM 600

So, can you imagine the hell I got from my wife? hehehehehe.......I always tell her that this underwater garden is specially designed, nurtured and grown for her.........and as of today she has accepted and seen the beauty of my underwater garden of Eden. So much so that she will follow me during my weekend excursions to specialist aquarium shop to look for rare and exotic plants. The treasures that I have in my collection todate are :

The Marimo, a ball like moss found only in Japan and certain Scandinavian countries( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cladophora ). Marimo is also used by lovers to confess their love for each other ( http://www.marimarimarimo.com/main.htm ) but the exportation of Marimo Moss has since been curbed in order to protect the depletion of this underwater beauty.

Moss.....I have quite a substancial collection of moss in my aquarium....Taiwan moss, Flame moss, Java moss, Dripping moss, Peacock moss and Christmas moss.

Apart from the above, I also have the Staghorn Fern, Longfillia, Lilies and Amazon Swords.

Rearing plants is not such a big deal.......you just have to keep the water temperature within a range of 23 to 28 degree C, provide them with ample supply of Carbon Dioxide, Oxygen and artificial daylight for photosynthesis and a good and steady supply of nutrients ( vitamins ).

I change 10-15% of the water weekly to maintain the kH and ph content.

It was tough like hell initially but I have since become quite an expert on rearing underwater plants.........and my wife is no longer giving me hell...hehehehehhe.

I am always open should any of you guys wish to set up your own underwater garden..please feel free to come and have a chat. FYI, I live in a very,very,very small apartment and this is my only way to have a living garden which I can fiddle around with during weekends.

Apart from the cost/damage incurred, it has given my endless happiness to date and also helped to bring my blood pressure down....hehehehe.

2 every1 his/her own..............

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2 BEE or not 2 BEE..that is the question

Lovely poems to serenade your loved ones.....guarantee to work.....please memorise and use it as often as possible.....

*****************************************************
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you
*****************************************************
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not that far
*****************************************************
The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
*****************************************************
I wrote your name on sand it got washed away
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away
then ~ I wrote your name on my heart
And I got a heart attack straight away
*****************************************************
God saw me hungry, HE created Pizza
HE saw me thirsty, HE created Pepsi
HE saw me in dark, HE created light
HE saw me without problems, HE created YOU
*****************************************************

There, there, no need to thank me.....here wishing you and your loved ones happiness always.....

2 every1 his/her own

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WHY THE FUCK??? & WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Sometimes I wonder WHY some people like the act as they do....????

Elaboration of WHY & WHAT THE FUCK is as below:

Example 1
Company A has been awarded a huge job...everyone in the company is happy and is parctically over the moon...albeit the tough period ahead. Then the Goon enters and starts to direct everyone to do this, do that, do this, do that....doesn't the S.O.B. knows that he is throwing a spanner into the works instead of helping!!! WHY THE FUCK????? WHHHHY? The best joke of all is that he doesn't even fucking know what the fuck he is supposed to do at all. Tell me the truth dear readers....do you guys attend a meeting acting like Mr. know-it-all and end up saying "I DON'T KNOW" to the client's face? HAHAHAHAHA...the Goon in question did that...the best part was this....the client came and ask the people working for company A WHY THE FUCK did the Goon attend the meeting in the first place? HOW THE FUCK was the people working for Company A supposed to know WHY THE FUCK the Goon came, fucked up everything and left? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Anwyays...there are lots more to come from this Goon....thats my personal guarantee...oooppsss...did I mention personal...shit! now everyone knows I attended that meeting as well....WHY THE FUCK did I go and do that? hmmmm I wonder....

Example 2
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK is the Goon trying to accomplish by broadcasting internal matters to the general public? Doesn't he understands that he is dragging everyones face in the dirt as well....including himself? It's ok for himself cause he is a worthless shit anyway but why drag the whole company?

Does the Goon think that he can gain extra respect by doing so.....? I don't think so. I am contemplating whether or not to tell those involved WHAT THE FUCK exactly came out from the Goon's mouth.

Tell and everything will be busted and will sure be going to hell.....

Don't tell and I pity those involved...WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I know someday, the Goon is going to self destruct...self destruct in the sense that all of his shit will come out in the open. I personally got set up by this Goon a few years back and from there on I have been trying my FUCKING BEST to avoid him at all cost and paying additional premium for ASS INSURANCE.

Do you guys believe in repercussions? from God or otherwise. I DO....I believe repercussions exist and will happen....maybe not to the originator directly but maybe to his/her later generation ( kids maybe ). To those who know what/who I am babbling about should know that this Goon and his partner has mouths worse then a chicken's backside and dirtier than a whore's cunt.....its very sad to say that the repercussion did not befall them but to other innocent party ( notice the singularity of the word "party" ).

Anyway, FATE IS WHAT WE MAKE and let nature take it's course.

2 every1 his/her own....I rest my case...the case of the MOTHERFUCKING GOON who likes to fuck up everything and then leave...WHY THE FUCK doesn't he just disappear and WHAT THE FUCK will it take for him to disappear.

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Every1's a Clown in BOLEHLAND

Cut and Paste this from an email I received recently...better to do this instead of voicing out in my personal way....hehehe

Excerpt goes like this.......

To: Works Minister of Malaysia, Datuk Seri S. Samy Vellu ( Who the fuck is Samy? )

We, the undersigned, members of public and motorists in Klang Valley, Malaysia, wish to register our strongest protest against the latest announcement by the UMNO-led Government that toll will be increased in five main highways in Klang Valley with effective from 1st January 2007.

These five highways are Guthrie Corridor Expressway (GCE), Shah Alam Highway (KESAS), Damansara-Puchong Highway (LDP), Kuala Lumpur-Karak Highway and Cheras-Kajang Highway. ( what about the Tanjung Rambutan Highway? Should send the clowns there for a Brain Storming session )

The UMNO-led Government has signed concession agreements with the operator of these five highways i.e. Guthrie Corridor Expressway Sdn. Bhd., KESAS Sdn. Bhd., Lingkaran Trans Kota Sdn. Bhd., MTD Prime Sdn. Bhd. and Grand Saga Sdn. Bhd. and they are allowed to apply for review on toll charges after a certain period.

The recent 20%-60% toll rates hike must be condemned as it is of no difference from “highway robbery in broad daylight that sells out” the rights of motorists, consumers and ordinary Malaysians to big corporations, especially when the construction cost does not appear to justify the toll rates to be paid as follows:-

• RM 1.42 billion Lebuhraya Damansara-Puchong (LDP) with a concession period of 1996-2030, its toll rate rise from RM1 to RM1.60, an increase of 60 percent.
• RM 1.3 billion Kesas Highway with a concession period of 1993-2024, the toll rate increased from RM1.50 to RM2.20, a 46.7-percent hike.
• RM 336 million Cheras-Kajang Highway's with a concession period of 1995-2026, the toll rate increased by 30 cents - a hike of between 42.9 and 50 percent.
• RM 568 million Kuala Lumpur-Karak Highway with a concession period of 1994-2032, its toll rate increased between 20 and 25 percent; and
• RM 501 million Guthrie Corridor Expressway with a concession period of 2005-2035, its toll rate went up from RM1 to RM1.40 - a 40-percent increase.

We also wish to register our dissatisfactions over the toll hike when it is proven that the service quality provided by the concessionaires is unacceptable and unjustifiable for a toll hike. ( Yup....true very true....worse than Big Ear Holes )

Everyday, thousands of users of the highways often endure congestion at toll plazas which is a nightmare for motorists. It is outrageous that motorists in Klang Valley have to pay increased toll rates when there are in fact more traffic jams, poorer services and deterioration of roads on the highways. ( how I wish those motherfuckers try to travel without the use of Police Escorts......let them have a taste of what it is like to feel their balls boiling between their legs..if they have balls )

We also press for a full and complete review of such unfair privatization concession agreements, or demand that road tax be reduced to reflect the reduced financial commitments by the UMNO-led Government to building roads. ( 5 year planning....3 fucking years to build....use for 2 years and it becomes obselete....should shoot the motherfuckers for wasting the taxpayers moolah )

In September 2004, Works Minister, Datuk Seri Samy Vellu ( who the FUCK is this SAMY? somebody please tell me? I see his name mentioned here and there but till today I still DUNNO WHO THE FUCK IS HE!! ) said the UMNO-led Government had paid out RM 1.04 billion in compensation to highway concessionaires as part of efforts to offset toll increment over a five-year period from 1999. Therefore, we suggest that instead of keep on compensating these concessionaires untransparently in 5 to 6 years time in 2011 – 2013, it is more economically feasible to buy back the highways at cost, which would not only save the highway operators from going bankrupt, but also ensure a reasonable toll rate for all motorists as well as good service that is accountable to everyone.

We would like to remind the UMNO-led Government that they should not abuse the huge mandate given by the people to the UMNO-led Government during the last General Election. When the Prime Minister pledged for a clean, effective and people-oriented government, he must make sure he and his Cabinet really walk the talk. ( don't pin your hopes too high on this....MFs know how to talk only....a simple exercise of walking will always end up in the drain ).

Therefore, we also demand that the UMNO-led Government must respect public opinion by agreeing to a deferment of the unfair toll hike to allow for a full public study and understanding of its socio-economic and long-term implications of the toll hike.

For those who share the same aspirations with us, please also send this message to the relevant government authorities and highway concessionaires to protest against the unfair toll hike. Their telephone numbers and email addresses are as followed:

1. Guthrie Corridor Expressway: 603 - 6038 5052, 603 - 6038 5270, support@gce.com.my
2. KESAS Hotline: 603-5633 7188, email: mm@kesas.po.my
3. LDP Hotline: 603-7494 7333, 603-7494 7020, 603-7494 7000, email: info@litrak.com.my
4. MTD Capital: 603-6120 3322, 09-233 0100,
5. Grand Saga Hotline: 603-9075 0505
6. Dato Seri S. Samy Vellu, Ministry of Works, 603-27714004, menteri@kkr.gov.my
7. Dato' Syed Jamal bin Syed Jaafar, Secretary-General of the Ministry of Works, 603-27714020, SyedJamal@kkr.gov.my
8. Malaysia Highway Authority (Lembaga Lebuhraya Malaysia), 603-8737 3000 / 8738 3000, llm@llmnet.gov.my

Anyways, my personal opinion is that nothing will happen even if you write or call the above listed motherfuckers.....the best thing to do is to "accidentally" put a cross in the wrong box during the next Elections. No harm in having new faces and new management style for the next 4 years maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Way to go BOLEHLAND...SUPPORT BN ( Bila Naik? ) for never ending Barang Naik!!!!!

Now I have to go and crack my freaking head to convince my Company to give me a 60% pay increase to offset the pending hike of the thousand odd things that I need to use and buy every fucking month!!!!

2 every1 his/her own..........Barang Naik allllllll the waaaaayyyyyy!!! FUUUUUCK!

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