Best Short Joke Of 2007

Dunno if its true that the below ( thanks Jenny ) was voted "Best Short Joke of 2007" but it sure had me in guffaws.....

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said,"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom that you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no bike!!


2 every1 his/her OWN...............

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Deliverables

Firstly, I would like to apologise to all my fellow bloggers for not being able to blog hop as much as I would have wanted.........quite busy of late….sorry!

Some events in the past few weeks has prompted me to come out of hibernation to write this post.
Been reading quite a number of cases in the newspapers of children missing, found dead, dismembered and some sexually abused and assaulted…..CHILDREN!!!!!


What has this world come to? Is this the BolehLand spirit? Kidnapping and sexually assaulting kids before killing them? WTF?!!

I sometimes wonder what is the cause for all this violence…is it because of The Internet ( as claimed by the powers that be in BolehLand ) OR influence of external cultures OR brought back by those studying or working abroad OR deviance in beliefs and religions, etc.

They must be off their blooming rockers if they think I am going to kill some kid just because I surf the net and travel regularly ( for that matter, most of the people I know ).

Why don’t they open their eyes and take a closer look huh?

Can it be because some people is living with too many constraints from religion or teachings ( KNN, I am going into a filed full of land mines here )…cannot do this la, cannot do that la, have to cover up la, have to get married before sex la, etc la.

Can it be that sex craved perverts and born and bred by such restrictions?

Personally, I don’t know, am not sure but………….

Human nature is such….the more someone is denied something, the more he/she finds excitement in it…I may be biased in making the statement but please take note that the statement refers to HUMAN NATURE and not races.

Some people of a certain kind like to gamble, drink and borrow money from Ah Loongs,

Some like to drink, be merry and wallop their wives when they feel like it,

Some like to rape their own daughters, sisters, mum in laws, mother despite of the “teachings” they claim they adhere to.

Whoever it may be, I just hope that they get the same punishment that they dish out…..let them feel how its like to be rape ( daily cases ) , cut their fingers off one by one ( recent case ), shove cucumbers and brinjals up their anal cavity ( recent case ), blown their worthless shit bodies up with dynamite ( on going case ), and throw away their dismembered body parts ( recent case ). FUCK THEM and all the undiscovered perverts out there….I hope you rot in hell.

I sincerely hope that I can lie on my deathbed with the knowledge that I have tried my best ( however insignificant that it may be ) to make this world a better place for my children and their childrens’ children.

2 every1 his/her OWN……………….

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My name is Bond

The below proves that you don't have to be good looking.....one just has to be GOOOOD!!

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.

Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret?

He's as ugly as hell and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

2 every1 his/her OWN.................

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The New Alphabet

A is for apple, and

B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead

Below is what is known as the NEW ALPHABET

A for arthritis;
B the bad back,
C the chest pains , perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

2 every1 his/her OWN.....................

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Why Semi...WHY???

Read in the newspapers that Semi Value wants to ban superbikers from using the highway because a few of them overtook the worthless bastard at 160 km/h during his Sunday drive to the prostitute den…HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. Wonder if the wind blew his best of the best fake wiggy off in the process? If not, why is getting so worked up just because some poor souls overtook him?

( Even a cute baby is giving you the finger la dear Semi )

Why only ban Superbikers for that matter?

That day I saw some Protons, Peroduas, Toyotas, Mitsubishis, Hondas, Isuzus, Land Rovers, BMWs, Mercs, Jags, Rolls, etc…traveling at more than the stipulated speed limit…BAN them as well la semi value!!!

Kaninabeh…what the hell is wrong with this worthless piece of crap they call Semi Value? I sometimes wonder what his scope of work entails him to do?

1) Sit behind his desk everyday thinking of ways to “makan” money
2) Spend his free time thinking of ways how to carry the balls of our sohais all at the expenses of non sohais like us
3) Thinking of ways to make the public pay for his family’s daily and future expenses
4) Looking thru the net to find a wig made of pig hair cause his present of made of sohai hair is falling apart
5) How to live forever and ever and ever and ever and ever
6) How to make “toddy” legal
7) How to screw a Bollywood actress
8) How to speak Malay and English without sounding like he is speaking Tamil
9) How to speak properly without sounding like he has got his father’s balls in his mouth

Hey, Semi Value….the other day I saw a bicyclist pedaling faster than your parents could drive….BAN the poor bastard too la.
I admit that there are a lot of “crack” superbikers out there BUT for everyone of the cracks there is 10 responsible superbikers to even things out. To blame the lot just because of some bad apples is like to say that everyone of semi value race is a rapist, drunkard and corrupted son of bitches….which is not fair right? We cannot blame all of them just because semi value is like that…the same goes for the speed freaks as well.

I ride a superbike myself and I sometimes ride at 200 km/h but that doesn’t mean that I ride recklessly as there have been instances when driver of cars are worse.

Based on the above, how can we equate things? I believe that for every bad apple, there are 10 good ones out there to compensate and balance out the equilibrium AND one bad apple does not really spoil the whole basketful and opposed to normal thinking.

Why don’t you just roll over, shrivel up and die la Semi Value...or dress in drag and go fuck your car’s exhaust pipe la… ( the below pic will tell you how to do it Semi )
Please remember this Semi, if you plan to ban people who drive/ride fast/slow on highways, you better ban your fucking family and type for being related to you…fucking bastard!!

2 every1 his/her OWN……………..

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Micheal Backman

taken from : http://www.michaelbackman.com/Malaysia.html
source link : http://www.michaelbackman.com/


The response to my recent column 'While Malaysia fiddles, its opportunities are running dry', published in The Age newspaper on November 15 has been overwhelming. I've received hundreds of e-mails and messages, many from Malaysians both in Malaysia and outside, of which perhaps 95% have been supportive. Thank you for these.

It seems that the column has given voice to concerns that many Malaysians have.

I'd like to emphasise (and as many of you realise already), that I wrote the column as constructive criticism. I like Malaysia very much. I visit often and have many Malaysian friends of all races. I've also written a lot that is positive about Malaysia in the past, most notably in a previous book of mine - The Asian Insider: Unconventional Wisdom for
Asian Business, which has no less than five chapters to explain to people outside Malaysia why I feel that Malaysia should be given more credit than it gets.

There have been many achievements. There is much about which Malaysians can be proud. Malaysia, for example, is far more politically mature and developed than is Singapore. The media is more open too (but of course not as open as it could or should be.) Malaysians are more entrepreneurial too. AirAsia started in Malaysia and has revolutionised air travel across Asia. In Singapore, there is very much a sense that the government has to do everything.

I also believe that the NEP, which has seen special advantages given to bumiputeras over other groups, has been important for Malaysia. It has been essential for nation building. Malaysia is peaceful and while the various groups may not mix much there is clear mutual respect between them. That is a huge achievement.

However, the problem as I said in my column, is waste. And also the use of statistics that are blatantly wrong.

Malaysia also has a big problem with transparency.

Too little account is made of how other people's money is spent.

The police too are way too corrupt for a country as developed as Malaysia.

The rote learning that is practiced in the schools also needs to be done away with. Generations of Malaysian children are missing out on an education that should teach them how to be creative and critical - this is what a truly modern, boleh country needs.

Again, my comments are meant to be constructive. And I make them as a non-Malaysian largely because many Malaysians feel rightly or wrongly that they cannot say these things themselves in their own country.

Since my column was published, plans for a new RM400 million Istana have been announced and the Agriculture Ministry parliamentary secretary has told Parliament that Malaysia's first astronaut will be playing batu seremban and spinning tops and making teh tarik while in space. There are countless scientists around the world who would give anything for the opportunity to go to space and do real experiments. For the Malaysian government to send an astronaut into space to play Malay children's games serves only to re-emphasise my point about waste. Not only that, it makes Malaysia look infantile in the eyes of the rest of the world, which is a great pity when Malaysia has made so many real achievements. The world is getting more clever, more competitive and more dynamic every day.

There are too many in Malaysia who don't seem to understand this.

Of course my views are just that: my views. But I have spent most of my adult life analysing and writing about Asia. I am direct and critical; I do not veil my criticisms because I don't want to waste my time or yours with readers trying to guess what I really mean. Open debate is absolutely critical for all modern, dynamic countries.

The free flow of ideas and information helps to make countries rich. Political leaders cannot do everything on their own be they in the UK, Australia or Malaysia. They need help. Otherwise they make mistakes. And when they do, whose fault is that? Those who prefer to stay quiet?

And should I as a non-Malaysian be commenting on Malaysia? Of course.
Malaysian political leaders and commentators routinely comment about other countries. That's how the world is now, an inter-dependent, global world. And the world is much better for it.

I will write another column about Malaysia soon.

Michael Backman

******* End Of Column ********

2 every1 his/her OWN.............

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Angkasa 1

Two of my close buddies have been blogging about BolehLand’s first Astronaut and I couldn’t resist writing down my thoughts about our sohai in space as well.

Is it so damn bloody important to send a citizen of BolehLand to space? ( important for their ego maybe but the whole damn world doesn’t give a flying F ). What are they hoping to accomplish by doing that? So what if the whole freaking world knows that we have sent a sohai to space…SO WHAT?

Can we eradicate poverty and starvation? Nope…don’t think so. Kaninabeh, the moolah spent to send the sohai to space could be put to better use la….

It could be used for education, used to feed the poor, used to build low cost accommodation, mahai…anything but to send some sohai into space ma. It can even be used to procure the services of prostitutes for the whole freaking “G” men for all I care…ANYTHING but to send a sohai into space.

Astro has even jumped onto the sohai bandwagon by dedicating a channel for the sohai…Channel 588 ( if I am not mistaken ) and stooopidly named “Angkasa 1” ( fuck me dead ). The powers that be are off their rockers if they think I will spend 1 single second watching the egoistic bastard’s face on TV. I rather spend my time knitting or doing crochet than to hear him talk to our biggest sohai the PM.

Come on la BolehLand….you guys can do better la. Use your fucking brains properly just once in your miserable life will suffice. You guys know what the biggest sohai suggested that our sohai in space do when he is up there? PLAY THE GASING ( TOP )….tiuheikamachauhai!!!!! play gasing for what? Its better that the sohai masturbate on live cam ma….that way, we can be assured that half of the world population can relate to that…..play gasing my arse! but then again, his dick might not erect

I wish they would leave the sohai up in space when the time comes. Leave him there so that the sohais will send sohais to rescue the sohai…..bunch of stoooopid fucks!

A SMALL STEP FOR A SOHAI BUT A SMALLER STEP BACKWARDS FOR ALL SOHAIS in question.

Astronaut woooh....AstroNUT is more like it!!


2 every1 his/her OWN………………

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Past, Present & Future

I think many of you have noticed that I have not been updating my blog as regularly nowadays. Reason is that I have been totally bogged down with tons work and hardly have time to blog hop…..let alone blog but I always make it a point to visit all of your blogs everyday no matter how busy I may be ( some consolation huh? )

Happy to say that I finally found me some time to pen down a few words of happenings of the past, present and future…..

Past few weeks have been torturous like hell for me…..workload increased two fold….datelines to meet….schedules to plan…..migitation plans to present…..progress claims to quantify and justify………etc.

Happy to say that despite the extra shit, I have been coping quite well * what with the fasting month and all that jazz ) . I sincerely hope it’s a trend that will maintain itself until the conclusion of this sickening project.

Just recently been told of a project that our team might be required to undertake in the year 2008….a one and a half year project in Abu Dhabi. I am praying ever ynight in the hope that we will be able to secure this job asap. Money/Salary is good……will miss my family like heel though but its for their future and betterment that prompted me to register my name. Work for 1-2 years and I will be a debt free man….house, car and loans will all be fully paid with left over for my kids education. Will be keeping my fingers tightly crossed. ( kat, what’s your answer to my offer if I ever set foot in Abu Dhabi? Once in a while ok la….not everyday ma…I shy wooh..kekekkekee ).


Looks like I will be facing this batch of client again because of another project that will be secured by my company in the very, very, very near future….sheeeesh! Will my nightmare never end? Woe is me!!!!!!

Anyway, that’s the life of a “Jack Of All Trades and Master Of None”


2 every1 his/her OWN…………..

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The Malaysian Dilemma

Maybe the recent ban on Bangladeshi workers by the Government has something to do with the below crisis.....

Get Vietnamese workers, dogs missing.

Get Bangladeshi workers, Malay girls missing.

Get Indonesian workers, money missing.

Get Indian workers, jewellery missing.

Get Chinese workers, husbands missing.

I dunno how true it is but where there is smoke, there is bound to be fire....hahhahahaha

2 every1 his/her OWN...............

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Screwed BIG TIME!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state - of- the-art method.

"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was, well you know the thing with the tongue........ God I miss him. "

But now that I've married you, I'm SOOOOO excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're with the "BOLEHLAND GOVERNMENT".. so this time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED from top to bottom and inside out."

WAAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHA...WAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

2 every1 his/her OWN..............

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Sports Kitten

The Toyota Sera was a two door coupe (2+2) built by Toyota solely for the Japanese market in the early 1990s, although enthusiasts in New Zealand, Bangladesh, India, Ireland, Australia, Canada, and the UK have since imported a handful of them. It was initially revealed as the Toyota AXV-II concept car in 1988, and was shown in almost production-ready form. The word Sera is a French word meaning "will be" which answers to the question why the car's design, shape and stock butterfly doors are so close to features of a concept car. The styling and layout of the car was actually beyond its time when it was actually put into production.

( Does anyone know the owner of this Toyota Sera? )
The Sera EXY-10 was available with a 1.5 L inline 4 engine. It came with either 4 speed automatic or a 5 speed manual transmission with Anti-Lock Braking system as an option. Only 15852 units were made between 1990 to 1996 and therefore, now becoming a rare collectible. The car is related to the Toyota Paseo, and shares similar floorpans, suspension, steering and brakes.

Toyota Sera's most distinctive feature is its butterfly doors, which open forward and up from the bottom and top of the A pillar (similar to the McLaren F1 and Saleen S7). The weight of the door is supported by a thick gas strut, but there is a balance system to help take into account changes in temperature inside the door. The door can be opened fully in a fairly confined space - only 43 cm clearance on either side of the car is needed, unlike the conventional doors on most cars.

(Look at the registration number again...still dunno the owner?)

( What about from the rear? Come on guys/gals...should know by now cause the rear resembles the owner's rear ma )

( Must admit that's some sexy looking 16" coupled to some serious low rubbers )

One drawback of the car is the large amount of glass that can create a solar load greenhouse effect inside the car causing interior temperatures to soar. All Seras came as standard with air conditioning to offset this problem, and the advantage of the design is that a passenger seating in any of the four body hugging seats can enjoy incredible visibility to the front and sides (and above!) compared to most small coupes. Due to the overwhelming amount of glass the body is not very rigid. This lack of rigidity affects the handling characteristics with body roll

( I HATE EVERTON....AARRRRRGG!!!!! A Footy Club for Gays. I am gonna break his rear windshield one of these days...hehehhehehe )

For the record, the Owner of the Sera in question is one hell of a nice bugger.....a tad on the "hamsap" side but an ok guy on the hole....errrr...whole. Pity that he is working for some sohai company...hope he finds somewhere better to go instead of working with arseholes ( some V.I.P's son )

As to the Sera, its 2 every1 his/her OWN...................

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Wanna Get Rich Quick?

Received this exciting offer to get rich via email today. Busy as I was, I couldn't help but to post a reply towards the enticement.....

Offer is as below:

Big international commercial organization is looking for talented, honest,reliable representatives from different regions. The ideal candidate will be an intelligent person,someone who can work autonomously with a high degree of enthusiasm.

We are looking for highly motivated professionals, with experience in marketing field. The position is home-based. We offer a part-time position with flexible working hours and we would be happy to consider a full-time job share candidate.

Our Company offers a very competitive salary to the successful candidate,along with an unrivalled career progression opportunity.

If you think you have what it takes to take on this challengeand would like to apply please send the following information to: StuartMoranLP@gmail.com
1) Full name
2) Contact phone numbers
3) Part time job/Full time

You do not need to invest any sum of money and we do not ask you to provide us with your bank account requisites! We are engaged in completely legal activity. The preference is given to employees with knowledge of foreign languages.

Thank you and we are looking forward to cooperate in long term base with you. If you received this message in error, or would like to unsubscribe, please send a blank email to: GeraldZamoraOS@gmail.com


My reply is as follows ( i emailed him and posted the reply in my blog ):

Dear Gerald Zamora,

I thank you from the bottom of my arse for extending to me such an eye opening offer. Where can one still find a zero investment coupled with rags to riches return....fuuuyoooh!

Sad to say that I cannot take up your offer because of reasons as stated below:
1) I have a high deegree of enthusiasm ( as stated in your criteria ) but its in the field of bitch slapping arseholes with the initials G.Z.
2) I have not been in the Marketing line for umpteen years and have no plans to be back unless you feel like offering me your arse to see if my 40,000 tons machinery fits.
3) Home based? the presented offer sounds like selling ones arse....enthusiasm la, marketing la, high returns la, home based la....you sure you are not a pimp ar?
4) Please ask your friends if they can translate this foreign language....."TIUNYAMAKAHAI" got it? I will say it slowly for the second time round....its TIU...NYA...MA...KA...HAI...got it? gooooood.

Inserted below are my contact and details for you records....

Fullname: StuckAfingerInyourMothersaArseAndcouldntPullItOut
Contact Numbers: my country has one hell of a phone number system but you can key it it alphabetically...its....GOFUCKYOURSELF
Part/Full Time job: Screwing all the woman in your life.

Thank you for taking the time to read my email but its ok if you choose not to reply...I understand that a con jobber like you has a lot of emails to send. Here's wishing that you accidentally sit on your gear shift ( hope you're driving an auto tran car with hugh gear knobs )

*******End of Email********

I know that it will not do any good to write the email but what the hell...it made my day...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2 every1 his/her OWN.....................

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